Humor

Filed under: Personal Vidal — over 4 years ago

Some humorous sites:

Jokes

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him
gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

Mrs Goldstein was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog looked up at her and said , "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." Not a person to miss a trick, Mrs Goldstein immediately freed the frog.

The frog thanked her and said "I’m sorry but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for yourself, Mr Goldstein will get ten times more or better!"

Mrs Goldstein replied, "That’s OK – I’m happy to accept your condition. For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.� The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make Mr Goldstein the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."

Mrs Goldstein replied, "It’s not a problem, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.

So, "KAZAM" -- Mrs Goldstein is the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, Mrs Goldstein asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make Mr Goldstein the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." Mrs Goldstein said, " It’s not a problem, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, "KAZAM"- Mrs Goldstein is the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish to which Mrs Goldstein answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Bernie is a very wealthy man indeed. One day in June, he goes on holiday with his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. As the days in the sun wore on, Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages and interests between them.

Bernie took this opportunity to ask Sarah what was, to him, an important question. He asked, “If I lost everything, all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love me, Sarah?�

“Yes, darling,� said Sarah, “and I’d miss you too.�

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher." ~Socrates

A man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

A couple is lying in bed when the woman turns to the man and says,
“I am going to make you the happiest man in the world.”
The man replies, “I’ll miss you.”

At a cocktail party, one man said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other man replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong woman."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. ~ Unknown

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Q: What is the difference between your ex-wife and a car battery?
A: A car battery has a positive side

Q: What is the difference between your ex-wife and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with terrorists.

Why do women spend more time improving their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind!

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: Why do divorces cost so much?
A: Because they are worth it.

Women have a number of faults. Men have only two - everything they say and everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.

To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn't.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

“I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.�

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

"Love is blind -- marriage is the eye-opener." ~Pauline Thomason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to." ~Henry Youngman

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Most men fantasize in having a relationship with many beautiful women at the same time. For a man, commitment to a woman means giving up his fantasy. Most women fantasise in having a relationship with one man who can provide economic security. For a woman, commitment to a man means achieving her fantasy. Conclusion: commitment means that a woman achieves her fantasy, while a man gives his up.

After Adam was created, there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden.

Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.

"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier.

I'm going to give you a companion, a help mate for you -- someone who will fulfil your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"

"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."

"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"

A trick-or-treater came to the door dressed as "Rocky," in boxing gloves and satin shorts. He got some goodies, but in a few minutes, he was back for more. "Say, aren't you the same 'Rocky' who was just here a few minutes ago?" asked the homeowner. "Yep," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. And I'll be back three more times tonight!"

Things Not To Say To A Cop:

  • Here. Hold my beer.
  • What? Is my radar detector unplugged?
  • Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
  • Man, you must have gone 120 to catch me. Good job!
  • Which one are you? Andy or Barney?
  • When did they stop requiring physicals?
  • You're not gonna check my trunk, are you?
  • Remember: I pay your salary!
  • Gee, thanks officer! The last guy let me off with a warning, too!
  • I was trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there's not another car in sight; that's how far behind I am!
  • Phew! Have you been drinking?
  • Wha'sa matter? Doughnut shop closed?

A story of three engineers (different approaches to problem-solving, modern IT, etc)

A mechanical engineer, a systems engineer, and a software engineer are in a car driving down a steep mountain road when the brakes fail. The driver desperately pumps the brake pedal, trying to control the speeding vehicle around cliff-edge bends, while the passengers do their best not to panic. As the car hurtles towards an impossible corner the driver spots an escape route into a hedge and a haystack beyond, where the car eventually grinds to a surprisingly safe stop. The three engineers all get out, shaken, relieved, and take turns to assess the situation.

'Hmm,' says the mechanical engineer, 'It looks like a brake line was leaking - let's repair the split, bleed the brakes, and we should be able to get on our way..."

The systems engineer thinks for a while and says, 'Maybe we need to contact the manufacturer and the dealer to confirm exactly what the problem is..."

The software engineer slowly climbs into the driver's seat and, gesturing for the others to join him, says, 'How about we get back on the road and see if it happens again?..'

Things to say when you're losing a technical argument

  • That won't scale.
  • That's been proven to be O(N^2) and we need a solution that's O(NlogN).
  • There are, of course, various export limitations on that technology.
  • The syntax is idiosyncratic.
  • Trying to build a team behind that technology would be a staffing nightmare.
  • That can't be generalized to a cross-platform build.
  • Unfortunately, the license would contaminate our product.
  • If we go with that idea, we're going to have Don Marti camped out in the front lobby with 300 angry software jihad supporters.
  • Our support infrastructure simply can't handle the volume that change would involve.
  • I had one of the interns try that approach for another project, and it scrambled the CEO's hard drive. So I think it's going to be a hard sell.
  • Yes, well, that's just not the way things work in the real world.
  • I like your idea. Why don't you write up a white paper and we'll review it at the next staff meeting?
  • Unfortunately, we're an all-FORTH shop. Otherwise, it's a nice idea.
  • I think you need to stop taking this so personally. We need to think about what's best for the project, not about our own little pet theories.
  • Oh, I played with that approach back as an undergrad. Got a D, too.
  • I was reading about that on BugTraq yesterday.
  • Yes, I believe that's the approach Windows NT is taking.
  • That's totally inefficient on modern hardware.
  • Well, yes, but it really reduces to the knapsack problem in that case. Do you have some kind of heuristic, or are we dealing with an NP-complete case?
  • Have you LOOKED at the number of I/O requests that will create?
  • We can't afford the transaction overhead.
  • Yeah, or we could all just plink away on Amigas or something.
  • What? I don't speak your crazy moon-language.
  • Hmm. Didn't they just go bankrupt? It's OK, I guess -- there's some German company who's picked up the existing service contracts.
  • No, no, no. We're really working on an N-TIER architecture, here.
  • No, no, no. It's fairly important that the database be in THIRD NORMAL FORM.
  • No, that would break object encapsulation.
  • I don't think that's altogether clear. Please write it up in UML for me.
  • I think there's a problem with your drive geometry.
  • Can you generate some USE CASES that would justify the change?
  • How is that going to impact the schedule?
  • RAM is cheap and all, but...
  • It would probably be best if we deferred that until version 2.0.
  • I like it, but it is too point-oh for my tastes.
  • If you make this change, I will fork the code.
  • Yes, well, unfortunately the economy is going away from anything remotely like that. Our investors would kill us.
  • Jakob Nielsen wrote an interesting hit piece on that.
  • Yes, yes, we've all read DJB's RFCs on the subject.
  • This is all covered in Knuth, and we don't have time to go over it again.
  • This one is in the FAQ: http://www.linuxmafia.com/~rick/faq/#your_dumb_technology
  • I don't have time for this extropian nonsense.
  • Well, I guess we could start the QA cycles again from square one. That would require a press release, though.
  • You used to program in Pascal, didn't you?
  • Why don't we make a generalized solution including both options, and let the administrator decide with a config-file setting?
  • You've obviously ignored the various namespace issues.
  • I don't think you're considering the performance trade-offs.
  • What kind of benchmarks have you been running?
  • Let's table this for now, and we'll talk about it one-on-one off-line.
  • This really doesn't jibe with our core competency.
  • This sort of thing should really be outsourced.
  • I remember that IBM had a project to do that back in the 70s.
  • Um, hello? We're using VON NEUMANN MACHINES HERE.
  • We need this to fit on a single floppy.
  • Yes, but can this be embedded in a toaster, for example?
  • We need something that my mom can use.
  • Users won't want to click through that many layers of hierarchy.
  • The packaging costs will be prohibitive.
  • OK, but what about internationalization?
  • Look, would you just get off your Be obsession for FIVE MINUTES and talk serious design with us?
  • That's a good idea
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